All of last week I had a bit of a snotty nose, but I've been fine. This weekend, Ricky picked me up on Friday evening and we went to his Dad's house. Then all of us went to a restaurant for a meal. Didn't end up leaving the restaurant till about 11. Then his sister and brother and their partners wanted to go to a couple of clubs, so we all went. We got a taxi back around 2am, then sat and chatted till around 4. Overall I had a really good night, and managed to have a lay-in to catch up on sleep. He dropped me off at home at 1pm on saturday, and I did 4 hours of revision. Then Ricky came over for a couple of hours in the evening to watch films with me and Dad. On Sunday I went shopping with two of my friends for a few hours, but I was in a rush and forgot to grab a coat - so was therefore freezing the whole day.
Started to feel abit iffy last night, and have woken up this morning with a flare up.
So I'm feeling crappy that the consequences of being happy and having a good time leads to this, but worst of all was my dad's reaction.
I'd been up in the night and came to tell mum I wasn't feeling very well, and then came into her room again when it was time to get up. She told me to stay home so I went back to bed. Dad then storms in the room. Shouts at me saying it's a load of b*****ks, that there is NO WAY I have had a flareup over night, and that it doesn't just happen like that. Also that obviously this is all Ricky and his families fault, and that I will never go out or do anything again. He also says he has no sympathy for me (which I don't want anyway) and that I'm just like the patients that walk into his surgery everyday using their illnesses as an excuse to stay of school or work and do nothing.

I admit it is my fault that I over did it this weekend, but I didn't want to let people down. I do often forget what can happen, I try to just do what I want to do but it always backfires. It is my fault, but I have only been living with RA for 2 years, and it feels like I will never be able to just let go, and that really upsets me.
Mum has been so understanding as always, and defended me when Dad was saying those things. She doesn't want me to stop seeing Ricky because she knows how happy he makes me, so she wants to have a nice chat with him, and let him know everything there is to know, because if he's taking me on then he's also taking the RA on. I know this is the case, but I'm scared because I'm not sure myself that I'd want to do that if I was him. I suppose it will test how much he really likes me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so low and it scares me of the things I am capable of when I get like this. I've done stupid things in the past when things like this happen, so I really don't understand how Dad can push things like he does when he knows what I've done before.
He doesn't understand at all. It feels like the past 2 years of explaining and getting through things has been a waste of time because he just doesn't get it anyway. How is anyone ever going to understand me if my own Dad can't. I don't see the point in anything in life if I can't be happy or do things that are fun.

I need help

Oh Hannah, how we all know exactly what you are going through!
We are mostly older and wiser (I said mostly!) and we know full well what happens after we've had a good weekend But we still go ahead and enjoy ourselves and then suffer the consequences.
It must be dreadful for you, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to be turning down invitations and staying in when others are burning the candle at both ends with no ill effects.
In the last few years all these new drugs have become available for RA, such as the anti-tnfs, and who knows what may happen in the next few years so there is hope, a lot of research is going on into RA at the moment.
Did you read Alice Peterson's book, Another Alice? If you like I could send you my copy, just ask NRAS for my e-mail address and let me know your address and I'll post it to you.

As for your Dad, remember he does love you and just be thankful you are not his patient!
It sounds as if your Mum knows all about RA so should be able to talk some sense into him.
It's a good idea for you and your Mum to explain to Ricky about your illness, it's best that he understands from the start rather than think you are just making excuses if you say you can't go somewhere.
I'm glad you had a lovely weekend and don't worry, there will be lots more to come!
Hope your flare settles down soon, get lots of rest today.

Love and hugs, Doreen xx

Ok Hannah I'll do that.

Doreen xx

Oh darling - I'm so sorry you are having a massive flare.

Don't punish yourself for pushing things over the weekend - we've ALL done it and some of us older idiots have worn out the t-shirt and the hat!! It takes a long time to get adjusted as to what you can and can't manage. I think your Mum is right in her decision to have a chat with Ricky - maybe you could both talk to him and then if he has any questions you can answer them.

As for your Dad - my guess is that he is gutted you have this dreadful disease and shouting is one of the ways he copes with it. He must also be feeling pretty stressed and worried about his Dad still, and his own health problems. I KNOW he shouldn't take it out on you, but sometimes these things happen. Doesn't make it any better though when you are on the receiving end.

Take care, Hannah, and let us know how you are.
Lots of love
Jeanxxxx

Hi Hannah,

I know from reading some of your other posts you seem a really switched on kinda gal but even so - this sounds so hard to deal with.
Your dad's reaction was harsh. I think others are right though, it's likely your dad does care but he certainly seems to have a rather dubious way of showing it, ....like others have said he may be worried about the future,
BUT maybe a little of his reaction is also about him dealing with his little girl growing up - something some dads find very difficult to deal with sometimes...
He needs to sort his head out, but your Mum sounds like she has the situation well sussed xx
We all have days when we know we've done too much but rest assured life can be balanced without sacrificing all the fun things, - its not nice though when a flare makes you feel as if being punished for having fun - i think we can all empathise xxxxx
Hope your flare goes away very soon and you are able to have a lovely weekend ~ it's Mothers Day this weekend and your Mum sounds FAB!

Take care love Liz xxxxx

Dear Hannah,

First of all I`m really pleased you had such a good time when you went out - morale-wise it`s important to feel "normal" every now and again. Sadly, there is nearly always a price to pay - but you know, I sometimes feel it is worth it, just for the pleasure you get. And you are so young - you deserve to have a good time, and I hope you have many more.

Your mum sounds like she really understands, and I`m sure Ricky will not allow the RA to make any difference to how he sees you. As for dad, well, fathers can sometimes be like that towards daughters - but although his words were harsh, as others have said I think he struggles to accept that you have a health problem, and he lashes out.

Take care, & hope you feel better soon,

Kathleen x

Sounds like you had a good weekend Hannah, but are paying the price for overdoing it. I used to do the same; go out to discos at weekends and then end up crawling upstairs on my hands and knees because it was too painful to walk. It then used to take me 2-3 days to get over it, but I wouldn't call it a flare and it didn't stop me going out either. Enjoy yourself!

Exactly! I think you've just answered your own questions! Get out and enjoy yourself. Life is far too short!

Hi Hannah

I'm always overdoing it and paying afterwards. like you I've had RA for 2 yrs and to be honest, I can't get used to it. I get so angry that it stops me from doing what I want. As everyone else says- we need to enjoy ourselves.

As for flares coming on overnight- yes they certainly do!!!!!

Hope you have a good rest and feel better soon

Much love


Maria x

hi everyone.

I'm feeling worse today my joints are so swollen and stiff and i can hardly move.

Yesterday i started to feel extremely low again so i went to the doctors. He said i have reactive depression that is highlighted when i have flares and is referring me to a clinical physcologist.


As for my dad, he came in from work and i asked him how his day had been, he said it was terrible because he'd been worrying about me all day. His eyes started to fill so i asked him if he'd like a hug and he replied that he didnt deserve one. So i gave him a hug and we had a good cry and a chat about everything.

Thankyou for all your posts, you are all amazing and i never fail to feel better after chatting to you all.

xxx